Friday, 16 November 2012

Deep Tissue Massage, My Eye!!

Well, I went for my very first deep tissue massage. First, let me explain why I felt the need to have this, to put it lightly, hellish experience.
I’ve been having neck and shoulder problems due to over lifting, hours on my laptop and well, living with four boys.  I know what you’re thinking the latter would be a different kind of pain, one in the lower backside, but that is not the case.

I woke up bright and early excited to for what the day would massage. I was pumped for some long awaited relief from the aching and spasms I’d been going through.  Thus, it was 2 pm and I found myself stripped to my undies and lying under a warm blanket.
Awe yes, it was nice.

My bliss was short lived when the nice female masseuse walked in, who I later will refer to as the Dragon lady. The first thirty seconds of the massage was great, until pressure was added. Now, pay close attention here; when I say pressure I’m not talking about some miniscule rubbing of one’s back. I am referring to the weight of an elephant pushed into my already exhausted and sore muscles.
No swear word can convey the amount of pain this Dragon Lady caused. I was rendered listless as she dug her strong hands into my ribs, pressed her fingers into my spine, and at one point dislocated my shoulder blade from the muscle. Yes, yes this did happen all while I shrieked in pain.

Now, for some of you who know me I like to cuss, but never when meeting someone new and definitely not while getting a damn massage. But on this day I not only swore, I screamed obscenities directly at the masseuse. I wanted to slap her, and had I not been lying on my stomach and afraid to move for fear of causing myself more pain, I just might of.  
I’m positive the Dragon lady had heard it all, because she just chuckled and said in a polite voice, “Let it all out.”

Let it all out? Let it all out!!! Was she insane? Was I? What the hell was I doing there, and how, HOW was this going to make me feel better? When I was sure I’d never walk again.
It gets worse, folks. Just when I thought it was over, she began a deep, digging of my tail bone. It didn’t feel good. It burned. I felt like I needed to go to the washroom. My legs tingled, and my left eye began to throb. This scared the crap out of me. How was my ass attached to my eye?

I was so happy when she announced the hour was up, and left me to dress. I rolled off the bed, and sluggishly put on my clothes. I didn’t feel like a million bucks, I felt like I’d been hit by a cement truck. I took my tired, beaten body home and fell asleep on the couch.
The next day I felt worse.  I was stiff and sore. My body was punishing me for what I’d done. My fingers didn’t want to type, my legs didn’t want to walk, and to top it all off my ass hurt, or was it my eye?